People’s relationships come with a certain set of unwritten rules. But depending on the situation, those lines can shift. This woman, for example, never even considered getting involved with her best friend’s husband while they were still together.
However, after her bestie had left him for another man, the two of them started spending more and more time together. Then one thing led to another, and they ended up kissing—something neither of them had really planned, but both realized they wanted more.
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This woman shared a kiss with her best friend’s ex husband
Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio / pexels (not the actual photo)
And she doesn’t know how to tell her that she wants more
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Image credits: ThrowRAexFexH
Such questions are rarely a matter of single-word answers
Michelle Cantrell, a licensed professional clinical counselor who specializes in emotionally focused therapy for couples, says the shortest answer to the question of dating a friend’s ex takes at least four words: “Yes – but it’s complicated.” According to her, the key is in the details.
And it makes sense. I think we all could agree that dating the person your friend was married to is different from dating the person they had a brief summer fling with. So nuance matters.
“If you care about the friendship, transparency and empathy are key–not just as a formality, but as a genuine act of care and respect,” explains Cantrell. But before you even get to the point of chatting with your friend, you should get real with yourself. Cantrell encourages people to ask themselves if they’re willing to respect their friend’s boundaries if they say they’re not OK with it.
If you realize you want to proceed with the romance even if your friend protests, reconsider how you bring it up—under such circumstances, asking for permission, even though you know you’ll move forward with dating the ex-partner regardless, is dishonest and unlikely to end well.
Either way, Cantrell believes this conversation needs to take placebeforeyou do something with your friend’s ex. “Not just to ease your own conscience, but because transparency matters,” she explains. When you do bring it up, approach the topic with care and be ready for a strong response. Accept that this might cost you the friendship.
It’s also worth examining your values around friendship in general and ask yourself how you would react and like to be approached if the roles were reversed.
People who read her story had trouble understanding why she was still friends with this person in the first place
Eventually, Ben told Ana what happened, and she completely lost it
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Image credits: Kampus Production / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: ThrowRAexFexH
People were glad to hear that things worked out—one way or another
